Who am I

Stripped away from the externalities that try to define me, or me trying to define myself from these externalities; the clothes, the watch, the shoes, the job, the parents, the friends, the house, who am I? Even the name “Valerie” is named by my parents. Who is this girl at her core, and whats my purpose here on the definite time on earth, here today gone tomorrow.

The questions that we blatantly ignored are those which we need to face, as most likely in which the answers are found.

As I type this, I am thinking about the events/things that make me leap with joy. Seeing someone smile makes me smile, experiencing the sunshine on my face makes me smile, running through the meadows make me dance with joy, helping someone in need makes my heart expand, experiencing true love makes me flutter within with sense of warmth – home.

Is it what is above that makes me, me? Things that matter to me ; giving voice to the voiceless and voiced, people who have voice but are unheard. giving opportunity to those who are born without that opportunity because of the circumstances that they are in.

The real question is not why the world is unfair, but rather how can we make it less unfair.

My motto has always been “make decisions that bring a smile to someone face” “in thoughts, words, actions bring forth love” love that we are one human race. love that we are all on the same path of life and death, just the some paths are paved with roses while others weeds. But it is still the same path leading to the same end, death. Why bother about the colour differences, the language differences, the job differences.

Love in Unity.

 

Detachment

Strangely I miss E I miss talking to him, I miss the times we had on the couch eating away, watching movies.

There is so much I want to know about him. Who he was before he found himself, who is to be and who is he now.

I feel cheated that he said he liked me, I feel cheated when he asked me to count on having picnic, looking at the sky. Why did he stir those feelings in me and not wanting to do anything about it. Why am so naive to believe even. I barely know him and yet I believe him. How silly of me. How foolish of me. What has he done to prove his worth of me missing him, for even being concerned of him. He has done nothing really. All he did was those nice words hoping to stir something within.

I don’t even know if I can trust him. Can i. Who is he that I can or cannot trust.

Don’t Lord, if he is not the one, let it pass. Pass.

Excited yet terrified

Im 2 days away from my first solo trip away from Rainy Singapore (its Rainy season in December). This will be my first time travelling along at age of 26 to a country i have never stepped foot in – Cambodia.

I have always admired solo female backpackers who had the courage to break societal norms to discover the world. I think its not about discovering the world, its more about the ability to do something brave, strong and independent as a woman.

So, i’m ending 2014 with a dream that i fantasized and admired but never had the courage to do so.
Nevertheless, i’m also terrified. I’m clueless when it comes to map reading, i have troubles navigating through Google Maps in my own country (which aint very big) what more about navigating it in a foreign country.

I have a couple of “remainders” on this first solo trip:

– Remain calm at all times, even when i’m lost
– Explore the unbeaten tracks (i have signed up for countryside cycling trip and oil painting class)
– Its OK to feel lonely, this is one of the cons of solo travel but its also the ability to embrace myself
– Embrace myself
– Curse and swear when required – hiccups are GOING to happen for sure. So, at times i need to let it out, I will but doing it as cool as I can like in the toilet, or writing it in my journal.
– Meet others, i’ve booked all hostel stays so that i can go around meeting new people. i could have booked a hotel for 7 days in Cambodia (note: Cambodia is the only country i seen so far that has hotel rooms for solo travellers. How cool is that) but decided against it. In fact, i did pre-book a hotel for my last night at Phnom Pehn but decided to cancel it (for free, thanks to kind customer service officer at Agoda.com).

You might be wondering why am I doing this? Asian girl, age 26, now BOOM wants to travel alone.

At 26, i have been comfortable at where i am for a longest time. I have a good degree, a comfortable job, great family and friends, but as I look back into my life, i have not “stepped out of my comfort zone”. I followed a very traditional and normal route of a Singaporean (nothing wrong really). But there was something lacking in my own life – that sense of me being proud of achieving something on my own. Well, i’m definitely not Benjamin Button and I need to start living the life that I want to live. As for the rest, like relationships, it will come when it comes.